Monday, April 16, 2018
I've been struggling with myself a lot. My mind has not been set at ease. I've been feeling empty. I've felt like I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I've cried numerous times in a day. Some days, I don't even know why I'm doing it. I just break down and cry. I find myself starting out the window or off somewhere else when I'm not at work. Sometimes I find myself staring at the computer screen at work, not realizing just how long it was.
I feel numb.
About a month ago, my uncle died from liver failure. He was an amazing man. He was a figure of the community. He was a justice of the peace, a notory public. When my husband and I got married again in 2016, he performed our wedding. I loved my uncle so much. I just fear that I didn't tell him that enough.
I think that this is part of why I feel the way I feel. I come from a big family. Since my grandmother died 9 years ago, it seems like we don't really do anything together anymore unless it is a funeral. Even weddings, family members are left out because we have too big of a family. It's sad really.
I have always felt like I don't belong in my family. Even when my grandmother was still alive. The only place that I felt like I was wanted and loved the most was her house. She made me feel alive. She made me feel like I had a family. She made me feel special. She always did everything for everyone else even when she was getting so sick that she needed to be hospitalized. She made a point that the Bingo group would have their snacks, right up until the day she died. A long time ago, I lost my blanket that she made. She made the most warm and amazing blankets I have ever had. They were made out of the material that footed pajamas are made from. A few years ago, while shopping at Catholic Charities, I found one and knew that it just had to be one of the ones that she made. When my uncle died, I felt comforted in my blanket knowing that he wasn't sick anymore or in pain. My blanket made me feel better. A blanket. Those are things that little kids use for comfort. Somehow though, wrapped up in that blanket, I felt like my Grammy and my Uncle were wrapping their arms around me. These past few weeks, I have gone to bed with my my blanket wrapped on top of me. When I turn over in bed to go to sleep, I feel their warmth and smile.
While their physical bodies have died and their souls have been sent for when Jesus returns to this earth, I still feel their warmth and fell their love. They had faith in me. They made me feel happy. They shared stories and tidbits about their lives, which made me feel a little better about mine. I'm so thankful that I had them in my life. Sitting on the sidelines of the family, I see how much people try to be part of a family. Why does it have to be so hard? I guess I'll never know. I hope my children don't feel that way. I hope that they feel that we love them tremendously no matter what decisions they make in their life. Who are we to judge them, when it is God who judges them in the end.
We have guided our children through their lives so far. One of our children is now 20 and in college, one 18 and heading to college in the fall. Our baby is 16 and will be a Junior in high school. She has started a new job today. They are moving mountains. They are going places. They have our full support. If they make mistakes or walk off the trek they were supposed to be on in life, we can help steer them back. But we won't belittle them or shame them or make them feel like they don't belong in our family.
Over the weekend, we celebrated my mom's 60th birthday. It was a surprise party. And for once in her life, she didn't know anything about it. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad I went.
So this is what has been happening in our area of life. We still have an uber amount of snow. I just wish it would go away.
Off to make supper. Have a fabulous day!
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Today marks the first year of our new marriage. The year has been amazing. I’m so thankful that God has provided me with not only my best friend but my actual soul mate. I always knew. I never doubted. I knew he would come back to me. I’m so thankful to be with my love.
Happy anniversary my love!
Monday, August 7, 2017
Monday, July 31, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
|There has been controversy around our nation lately. According to tabloids, the founder of Project Semicolon, Amy Bleuel, has died. Legacy.com states that she died from suicide.The one ending to her life that she had been running from for years. Other sources state that there was no defined reason as to why she died. She was 31.|
|Amy Bleuel was an icon to those in the mental health world. After dealing with many horrible instances of abuse and mental issues, she attempted suicide but did not succeed the first time. People who suffered from mental health disorders, saw her as an inspiration. Her life proved to be something that many people could relate to. Her site, project semicolon reassured people that there is still hope when facing suicide. It encouraged people to live on through the pain, seeking the right help to get through whatever they were going through.|
|This site explained issues with depression, anxiety, abuse, and many other mental issues. It is a site where people can express their issue, share their brushes with death, and share how they are picking themselves up again. Many of the people who have posted there now wear a semicolon tattoo which symbolizes that their lives are not over yet.|
|Amy Bleuel's life may be over physically, but her legacy will live on forever in the eyes of those with mental health issues or debilitating mental health deficits as well as those who have suffered through abuse but continue to live on today.
|If you or someone you know is suffering with any mental health issues, please call your local crisis line or that national suicide hotline. Here is the phone number for the national suicide hotline again.
|Don't hesitate to call. All calls are anonymous unless you choose for it not to be.|
|For more information on Project Semicolon, click here.|
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